I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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