Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
