She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize