Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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