i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
