i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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