Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
