I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
