I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
