was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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