Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
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We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
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I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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