Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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