do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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