my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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