i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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