I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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