You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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