She's JV to your varsity
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
