Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
