Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
