Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
