Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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