i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
