No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
