You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
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my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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