Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
