just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
