I skipped work to stalk him.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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