I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
