YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
