I smell stomach acid.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
