Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
