the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
