4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
