So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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