Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
