I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
