Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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