What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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