My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize