i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
