remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
