Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
