he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
