I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
