so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
