You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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