Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
