I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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