i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
