if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
