If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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