Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
