The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
