Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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