Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
