sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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