dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
