I'm eating all of the evidence.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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