Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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