I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
